Friday, January 21

Bitter goo

So first, I just want to thank everyone for reading my blog. I was gone for a long time and just knowing everyone is still out there is comforting. Also, there are some new readers and I am very grateful for you as well. So there. That is the touching segment of this evenings show.

So I guess you saw the picture on the left? I wish I were that pale but sadly, that is just photo editing-but that's not really the point. You might be thinking: "cool". She super-imposed that nifty saying onto her back. I wonder if she used Photoshop. . .? Truth is though, that those words are printed in my back with ink.

I got this tatoo about two years ago (I think this is the first time my father Dennis has ever seen it. Surprise!) A long time collector of teabag wisdom-the words more inspiring to me than those of the bible-I found these words when I first began the crazy journey I've been on these last two years. I found them at at a time when it would have been easy to judge and walk away from someone's sad, decrepit life, (which would have saved me a lot of grief, but been a lesson lost). I don't know-I guess I was trying to turn over a new leaf. You know, care about people more (so much easier just caring about myself). I'm not exaggerating when I say that getting this tatoo changed me as a person. Of course I realize that the real change came when I decided to try and be a nicer person, but something about being branded with that commitment to this new philosophy . . . it made it stick.

I have been asked before why I got it on my back? If I got it to change myself then shouldn't I have gotten it somewhere where I could see it everyday? All I know is that I am acutely aware of it's presence. That little subconscious jolt has shocked me back out of anger and filled me with peace and love more than once. If anything, at times I sometimes have wished it away because as long as it is on my back I have to walk the talk and sometimes, like now, it's just hard. When people are mean and cold it is easier- and honestly more satisfying in a way- to be mean back. Just let your shit hang out and give it to em! But I just don't like the icky way that makes me feel anymore. Slimy; all covered in bitter goo.

I think all my anger just leaks out through these words and I like that. I can't hold a grudge anymore and it's good. Like an unbearable lightness of being thing, (I don't know if that actually applies but it sounds good). Right now I feel a little sad and despondent. My heart is broken a little. It sucks when things don't work out like you wish they would have. But as much as things have hurt I still try and remember the good and not the bad and still feel love and compassion for these people who have hurt me. I believe that they only do the things they do because they were hurt really badly once too. But that won't stop me from writing about them . . . (kindly of course).


Tracey Broome said...

You know, it's really weird but when I was in High School I was about the meanest girl there. I was an absolute bitch and my only friends were those that were more bitchy than me, hardly even possible. But the day I went to college I became this really nice girl and people really liked me and the more people liked me the nicer I got. I have never been able to put my finger on what caused the change but it was so restful to not be mean and angry anymore. don't get me wrong, I can still come undone, but I know what you mean about that goo feeling, I get it too, and it's hard to shake. Now I just think about it as Karma coming round to bite my ass when I'm mean to someone! But tattoo, no thanks, I'm a pain whimp!

Deb said...

you were one of those girls who picked on me?! :) (Ohhh, you just reminded me of another story I want to write...) yah it is a better feeing, but I know I also need to find that balance between tolerance and an attempt at understanding, and just being stupid and letting myself be treated poorly. I know I wasn't a very sweet wife mostly (shhh...don't tell anyone) and I think sometimes this is my karma. It's cool though cause I'm learning a lot and hopefully my karma will be balanced soon -cause I'm kind of sick of this stuff!

Gary's third pottery blog said...

looking at comments here, its funny--I was not a mean boy in HS, but I was, you know, in a big bad mood for ten years, and last night an old friend wrote about looking at her diary from when we were both 16 etc etc and it is like "SH!T DON'T READ THAT!". You kinda want to bury the past, really.

Deb said...

Can I bury my present too? :)