Bitter goo

So first, I just want to thank everyone for reading my blog. I was gone for a long time and just knowing everyone is still out there is comforting. Also, there are some new readers and I am very grateful for you as well. So there. That is the touching segment of this evenings show.

So I guess you saw the picture on the left? I wish I were that pale but sadly, that is just photo editing-but that's not really the point. You might be thinking: "cool". She super-imposed that nifty saying onto her back. I wonder if she used Photoshop. . .? Truth is though, that those words are printed in my back with ink.

I got this tatoo about two years ago (I think this is the first time my father Dennis has ever seen it. Surprise!) A long time collector of teabag wisdom-the words more inspiring to me than those of the bible-I found these words when I first began the crazy journey I've been on these last two years. I found them at at a time when it would have been easy to judge and walk away from someone's sad, decrepit life, (which would have saved me a lot of grief, but been a lesson lost). I don't know-I guess I was trying to turn over a new leaf. You know, care about people more (so much easier just caring about myself). I'm not exaggerating when I say that getting this tatoo changed me as a person. Of course I realize that the real change came when I decided to try and be a nicer person, but something about being branded with that commitment to this new philosophy . . . it made it stick.

I have been asked before why I got it on my back? If I got it to change myself then shouldn't I have gotten it somewhere where I could see it everyday? All I know is that I am acutely aware of it's presence. That little subconscious jolt has shocked me back out of anger and filled me with peace and love more than once. If anything, at times I sometimes have wished it away because as long as it is on my back I have to walk the talk and sometimes, like now, it's just hard. When people are mean and cold it is easier- and honestly more satisfying in a way- to be mean back. Just let your shit hang out and give it to em! But I just don't like the icky way that makes me feel anymore. Slimy; all covered in bitter goo.

I think all my anger just leaks out through these words and I like that. I can't hold a grudge anymore and it's good. Like an unbearable lightness of being thing, (I don't know if that actually applies but it sounds good). Right now I feel a little sad and despondent. My heart is broken a little. It sucks when things don't work out like you wish they would have. But as much as things have hurt I still try and remember the good and not the bad and still feel love and compassion for these people who have hurt me. I believe that they only do the things they do because they were hurt really badly once too. But that won't stop me from writing about them . . . (kindly of course).